Attunement: The Key Ingredient in ALL Relationships that Most People Don't Know About
In the late 1970s, American psychologist, Edward Z. Tronick and his colleagues made a landmark discovery. What is now known as the "Still-Face Experiment" changed how scientists, and subsequently society, viewed the impact caregivers have on their babies and children. A great deal of research during this time further clarified the relational connection that babies seek to form with their primary caregivers, and this connection (or disconnection) creates what can be a lasting impact on how they grow up to see the world, themselves, and others. I say "can" because we as humans are built for change and growth.
From very early on in our development we seek connection with those we are close to. Since infancy, we gave cues and looked for cues that ultimately signaled to us whether we were safe and loved.
Footage from the Famous Still-Face Experiment
As Dr. Dan Siegel once said, "The brain is designed for social connection and attunement." Because of things like mirror neurons in our brains, we do not grow out of the need to socially connect with others, and in fact, gain a great deal of mental and emotional fulfillment by the synchronized connection that attuning to another creates.
So What is Attunement?
I love @lindsaybraman's creativity and wanted to utilize some of her helpful images to convey what attunement is. In a world of constant distraction, disconnection to oneself and others is becoming extremely prevalent. This disconnection is one of the leading reasons mental health concerns are rising and why committed relationships are suffering. Yet, something as simple as giving our full attention to someone can be life-changing and ultimately healing. But is giving our full attention to someone simple?
For me, I find attuning to others fairly simple. However, when I am in "mom mode" attuning to my kids or husband when I feel like I have a list of 500 things to get done feels nearly impossible. The ultimate problem is that many of us are in "__________ mode" (fill in the blank with your top modes that keep you operating from a place of scarcity aka stress aka disconnection) 90% of our existence. Yes, some things need to get done, but are we letting those things get in the way of the people who matter most to us? Are we letting those things get in the way of reconnecting with ourselves throughout each day? I know that I can say yes to that and when that is the case I suffer and so do my relationships. Just thinking about how often my children see me locked into my phone rather than attuning to them causes me to cringe.
How Does One Attune to Another?
Attuning does not require being great at advice or providing huge acts of service. It truly is choosing to focus one's attention and body language on another's story, experience, and/or needs. Sometimes when we attune to another it is to just get to know a person better, listen to a funny story, or for another lighthearted reason. What can often happen though is that attunement leads to a richer, and deeper connection with the speaker choosing to share something more personal, challenging, and vulnerable. Having a deeper and richer connection with others is great for building meaningful relationships, however sometimes when people choose to share more vulnerably, it can feel alarming to the listener as they might feel a pressure to "fix" or "solve" the "problems" the person might be sharing.
Think about a time when you had someone truly listen to you without judgment or advice. Meaning, that they nodded, looked at you while you talked with interest, asked questions that took you further into what your experience was, and maybe reflected what they heard you say, and possibly inquired about how this impacted you? How did it feel? I cannot speak for how it was for you, but I am amazed at the transformational power of these kinds of relational experiences.
Now think of a time when someone listened intending to solve what you were experiencing? How did that feel? Sometimes advice is warranted, but it rarely feels helpful as most people do not truly understand the many underlying pieces that have led to your experience or situation.
I used to be the person who listened eagerly and sometimes uncomfortably to "problems" thinking that my friends, family, colleagues, etc. needed help or solutions. Let me be more honest, I still am that person sometimes. But I am grateful for the invaluable education I have received in earning my Master's Degree in Clinical Mental Health Counseling as it helped me realize that even counselors are not supposed to be advice-givers. We are trained to be amazing listeners. Being able to focus on being a better listener and attuning to the person feels so much better than being an advice-giver as I can tell it feels better to the person I am attuning to as well. When we can share with another and feel attuned to/listened to with interest and compassion, we naturally get to a place where we can see the situation differently and often have new ideas come up that allow us to "solve" or work through the situation. It is magic, and this listening superpower works well with people of all ages.
So if we don't have to "meet" needs by advice or service, we just need to show up, listen, and validate...wait, what does validate mean?
How Do I Validate Someone?
I love this infographic from @thepresentpsychologist as it sums up this valuable relational skill.
Validation is often misunderstood to mean that you need to agree with what the other person is saying or you're acknowledging that the other person is right (and that you might be wrong). This is not what validation means. In a nutshell, validation is listening to understand what they are saying and feeling and then sharing this information in an empathetic way.
Here are some examples of validating statements courtesy of Michael S. Sorenson, the bestselling author of "I Hear You: The Surprisingly Simple Skill Behind Extraordinary Relationships":
“Wow, that would be confusing.”
“He really said that? I’d be angry too!”
“Ah, that is so sad.”
“You have every right to be proud; that was a major accomplishment!”
“I’m so happy for you! You’ve worked incredibly hard on this. It must feel amazing.”
Now here are some examples of invalidating statements also courtesy of Michael S. Sorenson:
“You’ll be fine.”
“It could be worse!”
“At least it’s not [fill in the blank].”
“Just put a smile on your face and tough it out.”
“Don’t worry; things will work out.”
“It’s not that big of a deal.”
If you would like to delve deeper into what validation is and how to use it with children and teens The Center for Parent and Teen Therapy has put this detailed and helpful PDF together.
Attunement Leads to Trust in Relationships
Although attunement is a valuable skill to use in all relationships, it is a particularly helpful skill for couples. Dr. John Gottman, a world-renowned psychologist who has researched what makes and breaks couples for the last several decades shares this acronym of what it means to ATTUNE to your partner.
As mentioned earlier, when one feels that they are truly being listened to, (meaning the person cares to understand their experience and perspective with the main purpose of conveying care and creating connection,) everything changes, and trust, love, and healing follow.
Attuning to your partner does not imply that your partner is right and you are wrong. What it does imply is that your partner matters to you and they will feel that they matter to you. When we feel that we matter to someone and they want to understand what we are feeling, our heart opens up, and subsequently our ears. We feel safer knowing that someone else cares about us and that when faced with challenges we are not alone. We feel seen when we feel listened to and understood, which builds safety and trust. When we feel seen and partnered with, we naturally become more open to listening, whether that's listening to the other person's perspective of the situation or advice (if it is requested and/or warranted).
Key Attunement Takeaways
The valuable findings that the Still-Face Experiment opened up about our need for connected relationships from the time we are born, continue to be reaffirmed year after year in research. Feeling connected to others is a key ingredient to our physical, mental, spiritual, and emotional well-being. Attunement is a key ingredient to creating connection in all relationships and although it can be difficult, it becomes fairly simple with practice and once you see and feel the amazing benefits it creates in you and your relationships with others.
Attunement requires:
A desire for connection
Putting away distractions
Giving someone your full attention
Listening to understand their experience and their feelings/emotions about the experience
Sharing what you hear, feel, and see in an empathetic way
Attunement creates:
Safety
Trust
Openness/vulnerability
Love
Connection
I wish you all the best as you create deeper, more meaningful connections and relationships via the innate need for attunement.
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