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What's Your Attachment Style & Why Does it Matter?

Did you know that you have an attachment style? Research reveals that your earliest relationships shape your style within the first two years of life, affecting how you form adult connections and perceive yourself. It shapes your approach, communication, and outcomes of your relationships, often predicting their quality and longevity. It also impacts your posterity's attachment style with 85% of children having the same style as their parents! (Buckwalter & Ehmen, 2013).

Research shows that a little more than half of the population have a "secure attachment" with the rest of the population working from an "insecure" attachment style impacting everything from the rise in mental health struggles to violence to the loneliness epidemic. What is wonderful about how our brains and bodies are designed though, is that our attachment style can be healed from insecure attachment to secure attachment, not only positively impacting how we feel about ourselves and our relationships with others, but creating a positive change for generations to come.

To find out your attachment style and more about each of the types keep reading...



To find out your attachment style click here.

Why Your Attachment Style Matters

"From the cradle to the grave, human beings are hardwired to seek not just social contact, but also physical and emotional proximity to special others who are deemed irreplaceable. The longing for a "felt sense" of connection to key others is primary in terms of the hierarchy of human goals and needs. Humans are most acutely aware of this innate need for connection at times of threat, risk, pain or uncertainty" (Johnson, 2019).
All of us are built for connection. Our brain and body are programmed to seek safety and send warning signals when danger is detected. One of the key areas in which danger is detected is when we feel alone or there is a threat to our connection with others. This is why helpless babies come to two adults (ideally) who are ready and willing to sacrifice everything to provide them the care and nurturing they survive and flourish on. 

If one comes to a "good enough" set of caregivers who attend to their needs consistently and compassionately, the child grows up with a secure attachment. A secure attachment to another calms one's nervous system, allowing one to see the world and others as relatively safe. This feeling of safety and security promotes competence, autonomy, and a desire to explore and expand in one's environment. Having this feeling of security also promotes mental well-being, providing natural antidotes to even genetically rooted mental health disorders.


To help understand Attachment Theory and the four different attachment styles, 
here is a helpful YouTube video:

 


For further specification on the original research and how each style is formed and healed, I am including a long excerpt below from an article published by the Cleveland Clinic:
(Note: Images are not from the original article)

How Attachment Theory Began: The Strange Situation

There is a long list of scientific literature that categorizes how we form emotional attachments to our primary caregivers in order to ensure our safety and survival.

The most famous study comes from a 1969 experiment called the Strange Situation, which gave rise to the four styles of attachment we know today. In the study, babies and their birthing parent played in a room together. The parent left and then returned a few minutes later. The baby’s reaction was then monitored.

From that study, the four attachment styles were identified:

Secure attachment: Babies became upset when their parent left and were comforted by their return.
Anxious attachment: Babies would become very upset when their parent left and would be difficult to comfort upon their return.
Avoidant attachment: Babies would barely react — or not react at all — when their parent left or returned.
Disorganized attachment: Babies had more erratic or incoherent reactions to their parent leaving or returning, such as hitting their heads on the ground or “freezing up.” The baby’s reaction to their parent’s departure and return says a lot about how the baby is used to their caregiver attending to their needs, Dr. Derrig notes. And those experiences as youngsters are likely to affect the way they relate to others in their adult lives.


Babies who are securely attached understand their parent is someone they rely on, so they become concerned when they go and are comforted by them coming back. On the other hand, babies who learned that their parents aren’t going to be attentive to their needs are less worried about their absence and less comforted by their return. They’ve learned they can’t rely on their caregivers to provide them with what they need, so the parent’s presence (or absence) isn’t as meaningful to them.

The 4 attachment styles

There are four styles that grew out of the Strange Situation experiment. One is secure attachment. The other three — anxious, avoidant and disorganized — are considered insecure attachment styles.

Each style exists on a spectrum, so you may not find yourself identifying completely with any one style. Or your style may fall into one category but be more or less extreme in how it affects the quality of your relationships.

Dr. Derrig breaks down the four attachment styles and how they can impact your romantic relationships as an adult.


Secure attachment style

Secure attachment is what we all strive for. Babies who form secure attachments to their primary caregiver are more likely to become adults who confidently seek out healthy relationships with others and are reliable and loving partners themselves, Dr. Derrig says.

How does it form? 

Babies form secure attachments when their caregivers consistently fulfill a baby’s physical and emotional needs. Babies who are securely attached prefer their primary caregiver over other people and are calmed by their presence.

What does it look like in adult relationships? 

People with a secure attachment style are more readily able to form long-lasting and healthy relationships with others. They’re more likely to trust their partner and be emotionally available to them.

How common is it? 

Studies show that about 58% of adults are securely attached.

Tip for people with a secure attachment style: 

Dr. Derrig says that a secure attachment style doesn’t mean you can take for granted that your relationships will be smooth sailing. “If two securely attached people are in a relationship, they’re starting out from a better position, but relationships take work for everyone, no matter your attachment style,” she says.

Anxious attachment style

Also known as preoccupied attachment or anxious-ambivalent attachment.

An anxious attachment style is a form of insecure attachment that forms between a baby and an inconsistent caregiver. From their perspective, the baby can’t be sure when and if their parent is going to be emotionally and physically available to them.

How does it form? 

Babies whose primary caregivers aren’t consistent in meeting a baby’s needs are more likely to form an anxious attachment. Anxiously attached babies learn that they may or may not get the attention they need, so they aren’t easily comforted by their caregivers.

What does it look like in adult relationships? 

A partner with an anxious attachment style may be seen as “clingy,” “needy” or not trusting. People with an anxious attachment style can be consumed with concern that their loved ones will abandon them, and they may seek constant reassurance that they’re safe in their relationship.

How common is it? 

Research indicates that about 19% of adults have an anxious attachment style.

Tip for people with an anxious attachment style: 

Dr. Derrig warns that people who have an anxious attachment can drive away their partner with their neediness. That can create even more feelings of insecurity in future relationships.

“People with an anxious attachment can benefit from what we call ‘rituals of separation,’ where the partners agree that before they go out for the day, they give each other a kiss. They say, ‘I’ll see you tonight.’ They send a text during the day to say they’re thinking of each other. Whatever it is, they make a conscious effort to acknowledge that they’re leaving and also that they will be back,” Dr. Derrig explains. “That can help a person with an anxious attachment to feel confident their partner will not abandon them.”


Avoidant attachment style

Also known as dismissive attachment or anxious-avoidant attachment.

Avoidant attachment can look like an adult who is a “lone wolf” or overly self-sufficient. People with an avoidant attachment style are likely to not delve much into emotional conversations, either in regard to their own feelings or those of others. An avoidant attachment style often stems from a relationship between a primary caregiver and a baby that’s marked by a lack of emotional support or connection.

How does it form? 

Avoidant attachment is most likely to form when a caregiver doesn’t provide a baby with sufficient emotional support. The caregiver’s responsiveness to the baby most likely ends with caring for their physical needs, like feeding and bathing, but the caregiver doesn’t provide the emotional comfort the baby also needs. In that environment, the baby learns not to rely on others to care for their emotional needs.

What does it look like in adult relationships? 

Adults with an avoidant attachment style can be seen as self-reliant and emotionally guarded. They’re unlikely to seek emotional comfort or understand how to comfort their partner.

How common is it? 

Research shows about 23% of adults have an avoidant attachment style.

Tip for people with an avoidant attachment style: 

Dr. Derrig notes that people with an avoidant attachment style often distance themselves from others and assume others will disappoint them. Actively observing your own emotions and considering how you pull away from others will require a lot of work. But that effort can be an eye-opening way to help understand your style and learn to let others in.

Disorganized attachment style

Also known as fearful-avoidant attachment.

Disorganized attachment is the most extreme and least common style. People with disorganized attachment can be seen to act irrationally and be unpredictable or intense in their relationships.

How does it form? 

Disorganized attachment often forms through a particularly tumultuous childhood — often one that may be marked by fear or trauma. It typically stems from an erratic or incoherent relationship with the baby’s primary caregiver.

What does it look like in adult relationships? 

Adults with disorganized attachments are likely to live with mental health disorders or personality disorders that prevent them from developing healthy relationships with others. They’re likely to crave close relationships but push others away when they show them attention.

Tip for people with an avoidant attachment style: 

Dr. Derrig says some people who have a disorganized attachment style can often benefit from dialectical behavior therapy (DBT), a type of talk therapy that’s especially helpful for people who experience very intense emotions.

How attachment styles affect adult relationships

Your attachment style — and how it meshes with your partner’s style — has a hefty impact on your ability to develop a healthy and mutually affectionate relationship.

Research has shown that attachment styles can affect:

Communication between partners.
The risk of relationship violence.
Overall marriage quality.
Research also shows that your attachment style has a big impact on the attachment you’ll form with your own children.

“If you interview a birth parent and determine their attachment style, you’ll have a good sense of how their infant will attach to them,” Dr. Derrig states. “We raise our children the way that we best know to relate to people, so your attachment style can easily be passed down and repeated over generations.”

{End of quoted article}

Conclusion

It is no wonder that there are so many famous quotes, songs, and literature that highlight the importance of love and relationships as we are hardwired for them, and the threat of not having them causes physical, emotional, and psychological anguish. Understanding one's attachment style is helpful as it allows us to better understand our tendencies and become curious about how this style was created so we can gain new skills, heal past trauma, and create stronger relationships in the process allowing ourselves to heal and create positive impacts on our community and future generations. 

If you have come to find that you are working from an insecure attachment style, have no fear, you are in good company and you too can have a secure attachment style. Below are several books that I have read or have been recommended by people I trust that can help you gain a secure attachment style.


Reference:
Johnson, S. M. (2019). Attachment theory in practice. Guilford Press.
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